Religion based on food..the ultimate Happy Meal.

I was trying to figure out today what religion I am most closely affiliated with. All this after recently noticing there's an Episcopal church not to far from me on a route I rarely take. I was baptized in that faith which is basically Methodist on steroids or a baptist not on steroids. Episcopalians are pretty close to catholics but the priest can marry and we have Pope envy. I even went to preschool at an Episcopal church in Louisiana where they taught you of all things french. I haven't been to Episcopal Sunday school in about 40 years but I can still sing Frère Jacques from memory. Which in a way proves the old adage from the nuns give me a child till he's 5 and he'll be ours for life...I guess some of us need to be worked on past 5 but hey at least they got me singing Frère Jacques. I also spent some time in the baptist faith in Gamboa Panama. I was in fact in several church plays and my mother was told I knew the bible stories so well I should be a preacher. Later my mother started dating the love of her life a Methodist minister who ran a larger church in Balboa Panama and that's where we stayed until we moved to Germany. I also spent summers in Louisiana around the southern baptist faith and to be quite frank that scared the hell out of me! Church for me was a place where I sat quietly in an itchy suit and didn't speak unless instructed to...the first time someone yelled amen and spoke in tongues was the exact moment I decided I was not a baptist particularly not a southern baptist. Through my life I've studied a little bit about a lot of religions Buddhist, Hindu, Judaism, Islam, and of course Christianity. I have taken little bits and pieces from what I liked about each one and used them in my day to day journey through life. I particularly like Buddhism with it's live and let live theories and karma but there is just way too much suffering involved on the path to enlightenment. I wasn't circumcised at birth and so Judaism is out. And I can't stand people telling me what to think and screaming at me so Christianity is out. But what it truly boils down to is what can I eat? Or rather what can't I eat if I choose a certain religion? I was born in the south and love all pork products....bye bye Judaism and Islam. Buddhist don't believe in killing things so that would make me a vegan...beautiful religion love the whole concept but I'm a carnivore at heart. Hinduism no beef hence Hinduism no Christoph. Christianity seems to allow for the most palatable dietary mish mash but I'm not sure that choosing a religion based on what you can or can't eat is the best way to proceed into the afterlife whatever it may be. I don't want G d asking me when I arrive at the "pearly gates" "How did you attain heaven my son?" and for me to answer "Well I like a good steak now and then and I enjoy bacon bits on my baked potato so I chose religion...." That's not how I think it works anyways. I believe in a benevolent and loving supreme being and I don't think that such a being would even care how one arrived at living a good life or enlightenment. I'm not even sure a benevolent being would like religion in fact I'm pretty sure a benevolent being would frown upon anything that limits ones thinking into the realm of the unknown or an after life or to attain enlightenment. Actually I guess anyway you choose a certain religion or choose not to participate in religion is fine for the individual. Just as long as we get where we need to be at the end.

Chels.

I am amazed by your beauty and by your subtle grace.
I am amazed by your kindness and your perfect face.
I am amazed you play softball and go to school.
I am amazed at how you observe the golden rule.
I am amazed at the things that make you weep.
I am amazed that you are the last thing I think of when I go to sleep.
I am amazed that God allowed me to be your Father.
I am amazed most of all that you are my daughter.

Things I’m curious about today.

How tall is Tom Cruise? I mean can he go on rides at Disneyland?

Why have I learned more about Mormons, and Scientolgists by watching Southpark than I learned in College or Grad School?

Why do guys automatically assume if a woman has any Asian blood in them they’ll be great in bed?

If dogs couldn’t lick themselves would they always be in such a good mood?

Why do people at the drive up ATM only pull up far enough to keep you achingly close to the machine but too far away to use it before they stop to put their money away? And why is there brail on the drive up ATM?

Why is Nicholas Cage still alive and yet Steve Irwin dead?

If 50 is the new 40, and 40 is the new 30, wouldn’t that make anyone that’s having sex with someone 27 or younger a pedophile?

Do antisocial cats purr when no one is around?

If a picture is worth 1000 words shouldn’t the back of postcards allow for a lot more words?

How come no one minds me using the wheel chair ramp instead of the stairs, or the automatic open door for wheel chairs, but if I park in a handicap spot all of a sudden I’m an asshole!?

How come on every Cop TV show the lady cops are hot but all the ones I see in real life have a unit larger than John Holmes, the girth of Fat Bastard and could easily kick Chuck Norris’ ass?

Jimmy Fallon couldn't suck anymore if he was a Dyson.

If you have Alzheimers and you’re in the woods and a tree falls and it does make a sound and you find your way home by some miracle and announce…..”Blender!!!” does that still count as a “Yes.” To the question?

Why is everyone now so concerned about Corey Haims but 4 days ago no one gave a shit?

Does George Clooney cock his head to the side because it's an acting technique or is he always genuinely confuse?

My personal random thoughts and beliefs:

Sushi is Japanese for anemic fish eating tree hugging hippie wannabees.

Anyone who participates in Farmeville and is not high should be summarily flogged in the nearest public square.

Rush Limbaugh should move to Costa Rica where the Oxycontin is cheaper and he should take Micahel Jacksons doctor with him to supervise his intake of it.

How is a fat ginger with a beard going to solve anyones tax problems?

Sting and Bono both got extremely lucky and both suck beyond comprehension and have over loaded some peoples suckiness meter to the point that some people deal with it by thinking they’re brilliant. The same way that in chemistry two negatives combine to become positive.

Who really didn't know Ted Haggard was gay other than Mrs. Haggard?

The next talentless rockstar moron that tells me to donate money to end hunger in a 3rd world country while being simulcast from their castle while on Oprah should be publicly flogged on American Idol by Simon Cowell with Ryan Seacrest dressed up like a midget medieval jester (which is what he truly would be if he’d been born in the 1600’s)…then maybe I’ll watch that crappy show.

If Neil Young was a short order cook and fell on the grill no one would be able to distinguish his burning from that of a normal grease fire.

If Michigan is so great and going broke how do they have money for those crappy nationally televised commercials with that B-lister Jeff Daniels? Wouldn’t Eminem give them more cred? And maybe they should only advertise in places worse off than them like Haiti.

When a dog is just barely panting the temperature outside is perfect and the weather channel can suck it.

If a place as dysfunctional as Washington DC can agree on gay marriage shouldn’t the rest of us be able too? Or am I just Marion Barry-ing .

Why do studios keep giving Tim Burton money to make “movies”? He’s already got Helen Bonham Carter does he keep having to get her work in crappy weird movies to get laid by her? And WTF is up with him and Johnny Depp?

Tron sucked the first time and Tron will suck the 2nd time get over it.

How can you be so angry after you just won the Oscar for best supporting actress?

Can’t wait to see the cast of “Precious” on the next Celebrity Biggest Loser run with it Mark Burnett

Why is it that Simon Cowell is considered mean when he’s just honest. 20 years ago we wouldn’t have given him a 2nd thought he’d just be another guy.

If you played bass for Journey you probably aren’t qualified to pass judgment on any kind of “talent” show having anything to do with music.

If you survived breast cancer and being married to Ozzy Osborne I still don’t have to like you.

Farah Fawcett may be the only adult woman Michael Jackson ever screwed by dying on the same day as her then kicking her out of the Oscar ‘who we lost this year” roll call.

Letterman screwed half his staff, Conan just sucked and is a ginger and Leno screwed Conan. Who’s really the bad guy here?

If you’re driving a Prius maybe you just don’t deserve to be able to stop. Maybe we are just trying to get rid of all the self righteous liberals who are irritating with their holier than though fart sniffing attitude!

Unless the Director of “The Hurt Locker” was previously with the WNBA everyone in Hollywood is really friggin short!

The reason no one cares about the 71st record breaking win for UCONN women’s basketball has just previously been stated.

At 18 a six pack and hair meant my stomach and my head at 44 it means my fridge and my ears.

I don’t care if you don’t like Barak Obama how the hell could you have voted for anything having to do with Sarah Palin?

A Tea Party should involve little girls and stuffed animals not stuffed middle aged men that act like animals.

Now that you can take a gun into Starbucks the scalding coffee is now the 2nd most dangerous thing in there.

Ayn Rand is my favorite author and I still don’t know or sure how the hell to pronounce her name correctly!

Term limits are a moratorium on morons.

How can Michelle Malkin be so hot yet so wrong?!

Money amplifies who or what you truly are as a human being.

Southern Rain.

The thing I love best about living in the south is the smell of a summer rain. The smell of steam coming off of hot pavement that has been baked under a southern sun. The pungent floral smell when you walk by a honeysuckle bush that is mixed with the humidity and carries that unforgettable smell all the way to your memory. It penetrates you in a way that is usually reserved for love. And it makes you believe in the beauty of things seen and unseen and allows you to believe in forever.

Those are things that you can never forget and never want to give up. The sound of distant thunder the sticky feeling that envelopes you when you walk outside, the instant and knowingly fleeting, cold feel of rain drops hitting your skin and then the warmth returning to that tiny speck on you. And when the storm ends the hope that tomorrow will bring with it cloudless skies and a warm sun. The hope of a better life or a better day as if just hope wasn’t enough.

I have known many places and many homes the only thing is none of them were my place or my home, all I ever had were the people and of course the memories that go with them. The places change and in some cases disappear entirely and the homes are really never homes just a place to stay dry and warm or wet and cool as it were. The only place I ever felt I belonged was next to the one woman I have, and whom I always will love. And as it turned out I didn’t truly belong there either. But she was like my beloved southern rain I remember everything about her. The way she felt against my skin the smell of her, how a feeling of protection over took me as if I was perishing and she was God, heaven and eternal life. When I was around her it was like she was the sun and I was the rain on the ground I knew she would warm me and I would eventually return to the sky to be as close to her as possible. Just a cloud striving to leave the atmosphere and touch the sun but always returning to earth as tears short of my goal.

When love leaves you tend to leave love and although love wishes to find you again it is not so easy for a mere mortal to forgive an emotion. Love is the only emotion that is not only physically part of you but is the vast make up of your soul.


The beauty of the moment is far more beautiful than time and what it does to your belief of perfection is quite unforgivable. Love is more shocking and appreciated when it is deserved. And when it is inspected you can find no imperfection that is what true beauty is.